Until Now

My first acquaintance with him had been years ago, when I had just gotten out of college. With spirits and hopes high (or not really) and the will to become independent. I had just bought a new house and six months after moving in did I feel the lack of confidence engulfing me in its hardening & suffocating grip. The fear of being alone led me to have these horrid thoughts of dying mysteriously without anyone to tend me.


That is when I decided, I am going to keep a roommate regardless of how juvenile and “non-adult” did it sound. The search was on and I found many sorts of people and finally he was here. His name was Samuel and he worked in an IT firm.  This went quite well, despite the differences in our nature, but his sudden evaporation in thin air made me have my doubts. He would sometimes go away without notice, for days and weeks. One night as I slept on my bed, I heard a sudden hammering and my dog barking furiously. I wondered if a Samuel was awake doing something in his room. His obsession with sculpture woke him up at nights sometimes. He would say “it just happens Jess, I get a wonderful idea and I just need to execute it.”


I never had a look at his sculptures; he described them as very gory and explicit for my taste. I trusted his judgement.


As I stepped out of my room to pet my dog, I saw it happen. Every cell in my body froze with fear and a chill ran in my spine. Those eyes still haunt me in the present. The red, dilated eyes staring at nothingness with a piercing gaze. He looked like his life had been sucked out of him. He stood there, frozen, a drill machine in one hand and a hammer in another. He kept muttering something under his breath, something about destroying, proof and blood. I never had the chance to decipher it as suddenly it happened.


The intensity of it made me want to close my eyes but I couldn’t. The possibility itself of not being able to do anything was unnerving. When I look back on that day, I feel nothing but regret and guilt for doing what I did next. I tried to mouth something at him but I realized I was just gasping for air. He could not do this, not to himself.


But, he did.


He destroyed everything he had made with his bare hands quite literally, bleeding from all over. He kept trying to tell me that something was looking at him, instructing him to destroy everything or he will destroy her.





He did this all for me, for my sake. He did this to save my life but from whom? He said the voice lingered around him, called to him day and night, whispering threats in his ears. A slight movement behind me made him jump out of his skin. He saw him walking towards me, a gun in his hand, pointing at me.


He yelled, shrieked, cried.


He lay in the puddle of his destruction, whimpering, pleading the voice to go away and the hand to retract.


He yelled, shrieked, cried.


His voice lacked the gleam he always had.


He yelled, shrieked, cried.


He feared his own sculpture, the eyes that stared at him.


He yelled, shrieked, cried.


And he destroyed his last piece. The dog barked loudly, scared of his master. His force made him afraid. Samuel pleaded, begged for mercy. He asked the voice not to kill me, to let me be. He wanted me to live, forever beside him. The voice promised to let me be if he took the pill he gave. He promised things will be okay.


I had to leave, I could not be selfish. I had to let him be, I could not be needy. Just as he popped the pill, I vanished, forever.

Until now.


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